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This next part focuses on the experience of Overcoming Ambivalence, which is one of the Four Cornerstones Of Eroticism that contributes to confusing experiences of being turned on but also un-attracted or disliking the person or situation at hand. .
The experience of ambivalence, of holding two or more contradicting feelings at once, can be confusing in any area of our lives, but when it comes to sex it can throw us off completely. Rom-coms love this cornerstone, because it’s something to be overcome in order for the sexual tension to finally find its release and makes for a great plot (think any movie where the two leads start hating each other and end up in love).
When ambivalence is present in our attraction to people, it often shows up in experiences of being attracted to someone physically but not so much emotionally or to their personality, or perhaps being attracted to their personality, but not so much to them physically. We’re attracted to something or some things about them, but not other things, which leaves us feeling confused, but also drawn in and curious.
If we don’t like someone’s personality or something about them, we don’t even necessarily have to find them attractive for erotic charge to emerge. Perhaps they occupy a position of power that we’re attracted to, or perhaps it’s an idea of them we’ve projected onto them that we’re finding erotic. Often, these other avenues of attraction that prompt eroticism come through one of the other cornerstones (longing, the taboo, power).
Going back to the rom-com example, we can probably think of two characters that begin a story hating one another, and a set of circumstances brings them together, overcoming their ambivalence. The mix of emotions experienced along the way lays the foundation for eroticism because human curiosity takes over.
If we can’t definitively decide what exactly we feel toward someone, then we want to keep learning more to find out - even if we’ve decided we don’t like them for some reason.
The need to figure it out is what builds eroticism, which then allows moments that might otherwise feel mundane to become charged with excitement and desire (such as those moments in a rom-com where the two characters who hate each other end up brushing up against each other’s bodies and you can feel the tension from your couch).
This is also why it can sometimes feel difficult to find that same spark in our more stable, predictable relationships.
I don’t intend to imply that you can only have wild passionate sex in toxic relationships, far from it.
While the four cornerstones might appear to be more often guilty of getting us in trouble, the energy at play in each of them can be harnessed for good in our relationships if we take a look at what’s underneath and get creative with how to apply it.
❤️🔥 If we’ve found ourselves aroused by anticipation, can we incorporate some sexting or some dirty talk into our relationships?
❤️🔥 If we find arousal in thinking about more taboo situations, can we explore these safely with our partner(s)?
❤️🔥 Perhaps we can dabble in some power play if that one excites us.
And if we’re finding ambivalence to be something that really gets us going, perhaps some role play might be enticing, to engage in those dynamics and that sense of ambivalence, without actually having to date the person you can’t stand.
Regardless of where our eroticism comes from, there’s always room to explore in ways that feel aligned with our values and don’t leave us wondering “why the heck we hooked up with them.”
Written by Taylor Neal
Embodied Counsellor and Trainee Sexologist