Despite what we may see in TV and movies, sex isn’t as straightforward as going from kissing, to nudity, to having an orgasm, to falling in love. Instead, as sex brings us to one of our most vulnerable states, it often gives our worries and insecurities room to surface. These worries can pull us out of the moment, and make it difficult to stay present during sex.
The good news? These feelings of distraction don’t have to last forever. There are many ways to ground yourself during sex, and it all starts with understanding why your mind might be wandering.
Experiencing distraction during intimacy, also known as cognitive distraction, is a very common experience. And, there are many different reasons for that.
45% of people report that general stress causes them problems in the bedroom. It could also be related to specific mental health conditions. For example, multiple studies have shown that cognitive distraction is closely linked to body image issues. When we are uncomfortable with our own bodies, it can be challenging to share them with another person, meaning that people with physical insecurities, body dysmorphia, and gender dysphoria can be disproportionately affected.
The same goes for those affected by depression or traumatic experiences, as these can interfere with how the body reacts to sex.
Similar studies have also investigated the link between neurodivergent conditions, such as ADHD and sexual distraction, finding that differences in attention, sensory processing, and impulse regulation can heavily affect the experience of sex. Although these feelings are often associated with neurodivergent conditions, environmental factors can commonly cause distractions for anyone. Thoughts such as, ‘What if someone walks in?’ and “What if someone hears us?’, and discomfort from temperature, setting, and lighting, are all signs that something in your surroundings is causing you to lose focus.
These include concerns about getting an STI, about a condom breaking, or about accidentally becoming pregnant. When you’re worried about safety or potential consequences, your mind detaches from sex and begins to problem-solve instead of participating.
Porn typically shows performance, not genuine intimacy, and the sexual health resources that we are given in school are often rooted in fear and anxiety. Similarly, discourse online and even discussion with friends can add pressure by presenting sex as something that everyone else has already mastered, even when that’s far from true.
All of the above can contribute to cognitive distraction by pulling you out of a safe headspace and into an anxious one, causing intrusive thoughts like ‘Are they noticing my imperfections?’, ‘Do they think I’m good in bed?’, or ‘This feels uncomfortable - is there something wrong with me?’. This kind of self-monitoring and self-observation is often referred to as spectatoring, and can feel like an exhausting spiral.
People-pleasing during sex often looks like prioritizing a partner’s feelings over your own: ‘Are they having a good time?’, or ‘Am I going to be able to make them orgasm?’. Without realizing it, by thinking so much about your partner, you can end up being detached and disconnected from what you are feeling during sex. These thoughts usually come from a place of wanting to be seen in a positive light by your partner – you may want them to think you're sexually experienced, or that you won't ask too much of them. Like a chameleon, you might aim to take on the colour of their partner’s deepest fantasy, without considering which shade might actually suit them best.
No one can be expected to relax and enjoy sex when they’re having to focus on overriding their own discomfort. Agreeing to things that you’re not really enthusiastic about can drive your brain and body into self-protection mode, and make sex feel like an audition instead of a mutual experience.
As strange as it may sound, if you find yourself overly compromising for others during sex, the key is to remember that you will be the most confident giving consent to a pleasurable experience when you know what your own wants and needs are. Before sex happens, it’s important to define your wants, needs, and boundaries so that when your partners ask ‘Would you like to try this?’, you’ll already have an answer that pleases yourself first – and if you need help figuring that out, check out our page on boundaries!
The short answer is – figure out what’s causing your distractions and address those issues. But we know this takes a lot of work, some people may not have the resources for therapy, and it can be hard to create change on your own without the right support.
However, in the meantime, here are five practical tips you can use to start regaining control of your sex life:
Finally, it might sound cliché, but the most persistent advice is to not give up. Foundational studies show that distraction can become a self-fulfilling cycle if you don’t take action. Learning to feel relaxed during sex—an extremely vulnerable situation—takes practice. When intrusive thoughts pop up, notice them, don’t treat them as facts, and gently bring your attention back to grounding reminders like, “I want to enjoy this,” “I trust my partner,” or “I’m safe and present in my body.”
Little by little, these small shifts can help you rebuild a sexual space that feels safe, connected, and genuinely yours. With patience, practice, and compassion for yourself, presence is something you can learn to return to again and again.
Written by Hannah Honey
Freelance Writer